PI Brief Update

Barrister Mating Rituals

After their failed negotiation of last week, UpTights and OldSmoothie were against each other in court yesterday. OldSmoothie’s pupil was careful to take an accurate note of their learned last words on the case before they went into court and then he immediately posted it on Facebook. “You’re a stretched and gabbling shrew-faced old haridan UpTights,” said OldSmoothie.

To which UpTights apparently leant back like some sort of coiled spring before unleashing, “Can’t you do any better than that, OldSmoothie, you prattling, mangy, two-faced, fat, lickorous old git.”

“You’re a dried up plastic old scrag end.”

“And you my dear man are a maggot-pated clunch and a dirty old buck fitch.”

She’d obviously thrown in a new one since that slightly threw OldSmoothie and he replied, “A clunch and a buck fitch?”

To which UpTights replied, “That’s right. Look it up if you have to.”

Then without any warning OldSmoothie’s angry face suddenly turned into a huge smile and he put his arm around UpTights’ shoulders and said, “I really don’t know what I’d do without you UpTights.”

She immediately pulled away from this invasion of her oh so important personal space. But not before replying awkwardly and with as much of a smile as her stretched features would allow, “Love you too OldSmoothie.”

Nowt, as I’ve said before, so queer as folk. I mean, either they’re both starting to suffer Tourrette’s whenever they come within hearing distance of each other or they’re actually madly in love and insulting and degrading one another is just some sort of sado-masochistic mating ritual for ageing, bored and over-educated barristers. My money has always been on the latter.

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister written by Tim Kevan. You can buy the latest BabyBarista novel, 'Law and Peace' on Amazon. The cartoons are by Alex Williams, author of The Queen's Counsel Lawyer's Omnibus.