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UpTights received a call from a solicitor today.  Not just any solicitor but the senior partner at a massive firm which provides her with a lot of work.  However, it would be accurate to say that they have never quite seen eye to eye.  Legend has it that this has been since she spurned his advances some twenty years ago.  Let’s call him OldSoak.  UpTights had the phone on loudspeaker and so I heard both sides of the call.

“Hello, OldSoak.  How are you.”

“Not bad, UpTights.  Not bad.  But despite the fact that it’s always a pleasure to hear your dulcet tones, I was actually hoping to speak to OldSmoothie.”

“Oh.  I see.  Well.  Let’s see.  I’m not terribly good with this new-fangled phone system, you know.  I can give it a try, though.”

She then pressed a few buttons on her phone and got through to OldSmoothie.

“Hello OldSmoothie.  I have someone on the phone who puts even you into the shade on the loathsome stakes.”

“I see you’re on as charming form as ever UpTights.  Now, who could that be?”

“Well take a wild guess.  He’s even older than you, fancies himself even more than you but unlike you, his dearly beloved wife is having an affair with a young man that he’s just made partner in his firm.”

“Ooh.  Difficult one indeed.  You must be referring to our old friend OldSoak, methinks.”

“Yes, not my favourite person in the world.  Pays the bills though, I guess.”

“Well, quite UpTights.  Quite.  Priorities and all.”

At which point they were both interrupted from their gossiping by the following,

“Hello.  Hello.  What on earth are you talking about.  UpTights?  What’s going on?”

It was the voice of OldSoak himself.  UpTights had pressed the three way conference call.


BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister written by Tim Kevan. You can buy the latest BabyBarista novel, 'Law and Peace' on Amazon. The cartoons are by Alex Williams, author of The Queen's Counsel Lawyer's Omnibus.